Family Tree

I'm sitting in bed at my grandparents’ house in my Grampy’s oversized t-shirt. 

This would have fitted him once where it now hangs off him, I've just found out he’s got prostate cancer. He’s had it for three years and not one of the other family members have told me. 

I was completely in shock, but I can’t put my finger on whether or not I am more shocked at the ‘Big C’, or the fact that I have been left in the dark for three years! Three years! When I asked why, apparently, it’s because, ‘We just don’t talk about it.’

That is my family all over; we don’t talk about the important stuff, all that gets shoved under the carpet. I suck in everything that is going on around me. Arguments, disagreements, disappointments, they all get gathered inside; the trait has been passed down through the generations. It’s not healthy, but not only that, it’s really not useful either, nothing gets properly sorted out!

This has got me thinking, what else has been passed down the proverbial family tree? What other personalities have I acquired from previous family members, maybe ones that I have never even met?

When sitting in the conservatory with my mother, Grandmother and Great Aunt, me and my mother couldn't help but give worried glances to one another… we both knew that we really did not want to turn into either Grandma or the Great Aunt when we got older!

Negative, moaning and narrow minded, where has that trait come from? And please God don’t let me get it!

I do everything I can to parent my children in a different way to how I was brought up. It’s not that my parents did a bad job, it’s just I want to do it differently and so far it’s been so good. But how do I explain the times that I stop in mid-sentence as I can hear my own mother’s voice flowing straight out of me! Just where did that come from?!

How can I prevent what could be the unpreventable? How can I stop what might actually be in my genes? And when the fuck am I going to be treated like an adult by my family and let in on serious discussions such as, ‘Your Grampy has cancer and by the way he’s gone for a spine x-ray as it might have spread there too!’, (information I found out myself from reading their calendar!!!)!!!

My Grampy has never been a hero, he hasn't changed the world in anyway, but he is still my Grampy and I love him.

Life throws some pretty wild balls at you sometimes, its how you react and what you do with them that counts.... so I'm going to carry on pretending I don't know as that is what Grampy wants and I'm going to spend quality time with him whilst I can, so that means getting off of this computer!!